Szerkesztő:Aldum/Aldum/FML

F My Life

• Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML
  • Now THAT's FML.
• Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
  • Now THAT's FML. But somewhat funny :D
• Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML
  • Now THAT's FML.
• Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
  • That girl must be dumber than a wooden train set.Dude, FYL, but what do you want from a girl like that in the first place.
• Today, the girl I've loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to "never leave her side". When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I'm moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML
  • Now, THAT IS some serious FML.
• Today, I found out that I am being sued for losing a set of wedding photos that I took. I lost them by being mugged on the way home after the shoot and £10,000 worth of equipment was stolen from me. FML.

On 02/15/2009 at 9:31am - misc - by Xsjado (man) - United Kingdom (Manchester)

• Now, that's FML. And I'm seriously surprised that it didn't happened in the US.
• Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML
  • iPhone doesn't rip families apart, stupid bitches do.
• Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't a good enough male role model because I'd misbehaved. I told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that I should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML
  • Power-drunk teachers. FUCK THEM!
• Today, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I called all my family members to invite them over this evening because I had some very important news for them that could not wait. They all declined the invite. When I asked why, they said they were going to my cousins to watch his new TV. FML
• That DID happen in the States. Not surprised.
• Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML
  • Now THAT's FML. And I read that on facebook FML app the first time :D.
• Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
• Oh, boo-hoo, cry me a river. That's not FML. That's WhinyBitch.
• Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML
  • Again with the bitches. And we guys are shallow...
• Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to Itunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML
  • Now THAT's FML.
• Today, I was reported to my principal because someone caught me shooting up at the cafeteria lunch table and as a result I have been suspended from school. I am a diabetic, I was giving myself insulin before I ate crappy school food. FML
  • Fucking american pricks. FUCK THEM! That is just mean. Pushing up a diabetic... And of course, american way of justice, they probably didn't even asked. Or believed.
• Today, my boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed, told me all the things he loved about me, got down on one knee and pulled out the little blue box I had been hoping for, for so long. He opened the box and there was a note inside that said, "April Fools!" FML
  • That's not FML. That's a funny joke. Don't cry...
• Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
  • It's real. It's life. Stop whining, and grow up.
• Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
  • Seriously, you're not the one pregnant.
• Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
  • I would say dontcryandexplain, but in the land of PC, this IS a serious FML.
• Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML
  • Barney would say: "That's awesome,you lucky son of a bitch!". But I can see why could that be a problem for you.
• Today, I found out my mother has another new boyfriend. She told me she wanted me to meet him, and I reluctantly agreed. When I walked out to meet him in the living room, to my surprise, I knew him. He's 18, my mother is 44. He also happens to be in my second period high school math class. FML
  • So what?
• Today, my fiancee broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML
  • She must be REALLY coward.
• Today, I spent $160 on a spa package for me and my best friend because her boyfriend just broke up with her, and she has been really upset for the past week. Turns out her boyfriend broke up with her because she had been cheating on him. With MY boyfriend. FML
  • Yes, that's terrible. And only because the for of you are idiots, and can't get out of the "traditional" 1-on-1 relationship paradigm.
• Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML
  • I feel you,man. But it's not a lost cause.
• Today, my parents reorganized my whole room when I was out watching a movie with a friend. They got rid of everything they deemed as junk which included my favorite childhood toy, 2 essays due tomorrow, and my old jacket where I keep my money. I'm out $75, and stuck at home rewriting my essays. FML
  • That IS FML. Get a lock, and hit your parents with a shovel.
• Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML
  • Same thing, HIT THEM WITH A SHOVEL. And what the fuck's that about? So what if you get 48 out of 100 or 150? Does that make you less of a human? FUCK THEM.
• Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML
  • Why is THAT FML? Laugh, and get over it. Man, are these people born without a sense of humor?
• Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
  • Oh, cry me a river... Dying cats... Anything serious?
• Today, I took a quiz my math teacher gave us. He claimed it was "Impossible" for anyone to get a perfect score on it. I honestly didn't know any of the answers, and guessed on the whole thing. Apparently, I got them all right. He accused me of cheating and gave me a double zero. FML
  • Land of justice and power-drunk teachers again. Benefit of doubt, anyone? Prove it, bitch/bastard!
• Today, a woman threw her car in reverse at an intersection and backed up into me, while I was at a complete stop. She called the cops accusing me of rear ending her. I now have a $146 ticket for reckless driving, and around $2,500 in damage to the front of my car. She's suing for her damages. FML
  • F american laws.
• Today, my boyfriend of 17 months, the first guy to tell me he loves me, the guy I lost my virginity to, the only guy whose parents I've met, told me we should stop 'hooking up' because it's weird that I was telling everyone we were a couple and it was ruining his chances of finding a girlfriend. FML
  • You kicked him in the nuts, right? If not, do that immedaitely.
• Today, I was wearing my workout clothes that consist of short shorts and a tank top and was walking to my car. I then heard a bunch of men whistling and saying "Who's your daddy?" and "Why don't you come over here, cutie." As I got closer I realized that it was my dad and his friends. FML
  • You're hot, and your fathers friends think so. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS YOUR PROBLEM???
• Today, I got accepted to Yale University. My parents response: "We never expected you to get into college. We spent all of our savings on sending your brother to school." FML
  • FUCK THEM !!!
• Today, I was out to dinner with my little sister when this elderly woman sitting alone started choking and I rushed over and started doing the Heimlich Maneuver, She's now pressing charges on me for assault. I'm a paramedic. FML
  • The Land of the Free. And idiots. And frivolous lawsuits.
• Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML
  • That's rough. But not a tragedy, brag about it, and move on.
• Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML
  • Oohh, that sucks. I feel you man.
• Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML
  • Are you surprised?
• Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
  • That's fucking mean.
• Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML
  • That's just LoL. And you're an idiot. And not FML.
• Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
  • Deserved it. Totally.
• Today, I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said "Accio." Then I realized I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in real life and in public. FML
  • LoL, you're an idiot. But its funny, and not FML.
• Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
  • Why the FUCK would you kick a cat? Idiot...
• Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML
  • Deserved it. Hide your sex toys better, idiot.
• Today, in class, I was sitting behind this very beautiful girl who I like a lot. The teacher said something and I made a joke about it, which made the girl I like and the class laugh. The girl then turned around and said to me, "Chris, you would be the coolest kid if you were hot." FML
  • Mean bitch. Or just joked. Don't sweat about it.
• Today, I told my mom I am bulimic and have been for a few years and that I need help. She responded by saying "Well that's clearly not working for you. Why don't you try anorexia." She then patted me on my head, smiled, and walked away. FML
  • Idiot mom. FML it is.
• Today, my white mother in law called our house phone. Since I'm Chilean and have a fairly heavy accent, she mistook me for the cleaning lady and scolded me for answering the phone. Before I could correct her, she said "this is why only white people should be allowed in America" and hung up. FML
  • Hit the racist bitch with a shovel. I would even consider nape shot.
• Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML
  • Nape shot. Immediately. Least you know never to tell important things via email again.
• Today, my fiance's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. I'm a vegetarian. They had names. FML
  • Cry. Me. A River. I have a name, and I'm suffering. Could someone cook me? And if you're vegetarian, what fuck were you planning with the eggs?
• Today, I had to break the news to my husband that I had miscarried our first child. To which he replied, "Thank God" and told me he wanted a divorce. FML
  • Someone died,and he says thanks. Shot him in the nape, stat!
• Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
  • Nevertheless, he shouldn't have a note while writing a test...
• Today, I saw a video of me last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" naked. FML
  • Durgs are bad, mmmkay?
• Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML
  • I don't get it. Posted that because you had a bad day, or because your boyfriend has a sick sense of humor. And is a bastard.
• Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML
  • Thats hilarious. Seriously, some of you make sick jokes, and are surprised, that you got hit by karmic justice. Why?
• Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML
  • Why do you people date insane idiots? Or if you do, why are you surprised?
• Today, I was vacuuming my car and started to joke around with my six year old brother by sucking up his shirt and hair with the vacuum. I accidently sucked up his penis. My mom has caught him three times with the vacuum now. I turned my brother into a pervert. FML
  • Ouch.
• Today, was my birthday. After hinting for almost 2 months for a Wii, my dad pulls out a shiny new Wii Package. The only problem? The box didn't have a Wii in it. My dad gave me a Wii box with my VCR inside and a note saying "This is life. Once you think you're happy, someone crushes it". FML
  • That's mean, but really insightful.
• Today, I hooked up with this guy i really like for the first time. After, we were laying in bed listening to music. When the song finished he leaned over and said, "You know what you and that song have in common?" I smiled and said, "What?" He replied with, "You just got played, get out of my bed." FML
  • Liking jerks since '64 . And crying about it. OK, I don't know whether you were really screwed, you could have seen that beforehand. Or that guy is scum.
• Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML
  • So what? Does an idiot's comment make you less of a man?
• Today, I called my girlfriend to ask her to the movies. She declined and said she was sick and was going to sleep. Wanting to see the movie, I invited my mom and we went. My mom then pointed out my "sick" girlfriend making out with a guy. My mom threw a full bag of popcorn at her. FML
  • Your mom's with you. Reading some of the stories here, that's already something. And throw that lying bitch out.
• Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduate from high school. FML
  • Not FML, F your Dad. Hit him with a shovel, he is just envious.
• Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to fuck myself as well. FML
  • A whole family of primitive neanderthal idiots. Don't cry about it.
• Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML
  • What did you learn? Don't have the stag night right before the wedding.
• Today, my boyfriend of almost a year told me he thinks he might be gay. I took off my shirt, sexily climbed over him and began to kiss him passionately. "What do you think now?" I said seductively. His response? "Now I'm sure I'm gay." FML
  • Is it your fault? No. Don't whine.
• Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML
  • Bubblewrap IS fun. DONT FUCKING CRY.
• Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML
  • So whaaaaaat? STOP WITH THE FUCKING WHINING!
• Today, Michael Jackson died. FML
  • You SUCK. 10 years ago, my grandfather died. Is THAT FML?
• Today, through AIM, I told my ex boyfriend that I still have really deep feelings for him. The message I sent him was really long and took me almost an hour to write. His response? "Dun dun dunnn, the plot thickens!" Then he signed off. FML
  • That guy's hilarious. Really mean, but hilarious.
• Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'd remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML
  • Okay, that's the second story I read about someone not getting recognized on their 18th birthday. Is there a scumparent epidemic? Or that happens in the US a lot, and I'm just not familiar with them?
• Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
  • Shovel them.
• Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML
  • Move. Immediately. Or call child services.
• Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
  • Fucking mean.
• Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML
  • Hilarious. Why the fuck do you have a shirt like that, anyway?
• Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over a year is actually a very bored 14 year old boy. FML
  • Idiot. I hope you'll never try dating online again...
• Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML
  • STOP CRYING and LEARN MATH! And probably should hit that teacher. Seriously, math is not an occult science, for those who have been chosen to understands its ways. EVERYONE can learn it. At least high school level.
• Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
  • That's hot :D. And FML. And the guy should at least have the decency not to leave you there, if it's his fault.Where did this happen again?
• Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML
• Today, my mom asked if she could use my red dress for her two-week trip to the Caribbean. I said no, because I was going to a party and I wanted to wear it. She called me a selfish, greedy bitch who would stay single forever. I paid for her plane ticket, her hotel fees and her cruise ship fee. FML
  • Now its officially an epidemic. FUCK THEM!
• Today, I e-mailed my professor asking if I could make up an exam because my grandma passed away and I was at the funeral. She gave me a zero because I used the same 'excuse' a month ago. Now I have to produce both death certificates because my grandmas' died a month apart. FML
  • You tried telling her, that people have 2 grandmother?
• Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
  • Oh, CRY ME A RIVER, SO WHAT????
• Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML
  • So he's been in love with you for a long time. Got a problem with that?
• Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod and leaves. FML
  • Hilarious. Enlighten me, why are you crying?
• Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML
  • Oh, because orgasms are bad... GoldenBoy trivia :D
• Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML
  • Incodsiderate. To absurd lengths
• Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML
  • American healthcare and junkfood. What did you learn?
• Today, my entire family blamed me for the death of my grandpa, because I didn't go to church this morning. I didn't go to church because I was the only one who volunteered to stay with him that night, because everyone else wanted to go play on my uncle's new Wii. FML
  • How can people be so batshit insane religious and mean AND stupid american at the same time?
• Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML
  • Bite.
• Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML
  • What THE FUCK is the PROBLEM??? Let the girls parents worry about that.
• Today, I got an email from a professor saying he was going to fail me for missing the alloted absences, which is school policy. I pointed out I was in the hospital for two weeks with a life threatening illness and that he even came to visit me. He told me "rules are rules." FML
  • Universities don't care why you were absent. Get used to it.
• Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML
  • So whaaaaaat?
• Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML
  • Should have told her. Not everyone on the internet.
• Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML
  • Police AND shovel.
• Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us's eyes met mine. I mouthed, "Sorry." and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be.". FML
  • And why exactly are you sorry? Seriously, I don't see why you should be. Or even your mom...
• Today, for Easter my brother & sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML
  • Someone, please smite upon those parents...